1. Rosh Hashanah
Welcome in 5778 the only way a Jewish family knows how to–with lots of food, chutzpah, and liquor. All New Year’s resolutions about less lashon harah (did you see what Adam’s new girlfriend was wearing at Shul?) and only eating low-fat-cruelty-free food will fall to the wayside with the first bites of buttery kugel and brisket, so it’s time to start drinking every time one of the following happens:
a) For every invasive question about your relationship status, chug your glass of wine
b) When a member of the family gives a cringe-worthy political comment, top off that scotch
c) An equally cringe-worthy comment shutting down political discussions? Take a shot!
2. Yom Kippur
Whether your biggest sin of the year is that time you showed up to your grandparent’s Shabbat dinner hungover, or your decision to not fast this Yom Kippur, keep track of all your transgressions during the 15–more like 2–hours you’re at synagogue, and then drink one glass of wine for each wrongdoing at your break-fast meal. A (mostly) full day of no food, unbrushed teeth and awkward (halitosis heavy) interactions with family friends, plus alcohol, always equals a good idea–right? At the very least it will help you get started on next year’s list of transgressions.
3. Sukkot
This festival of booths might be the little sister to the High Holidays, but really it’s a hipster event in the making. So what you couldn’t make it to Midburn? Now you have a full week of (semi-)obligatory sleeping, eating, and, of course, drinking in a pseudo-tent. Incentivize this year’s stay in the sukkah by moving on to a new drink for every hour (or half hour?) that you stay inside. As the hours go by, and your level of intoxication rises, find solace in knowing that you are (basically) fulfilling a mitzvah.
4. Simchat Torah
Although there’s no obligation to drink on Simchat Torah, walk around Jerusalem or the Upper West Side on this holiday, and you wouldn’t know it. With so many people gathering around to praise the Torah, there are bound to be a host of celebratory–and uncomfortable–moments, from someone almost dropping the Torah to a run in with that person from camp whose name you can’t remember: all of the above warrant taking a shot with your Rabbi.
5. Drinking Dreidel
The Dreidel might be one of the primary symbols of Hanukkah, but it’s also a drinking game waiting to happen. Raise the stakes of this childhood game by replacing chocolate gelt with manischevitz Jell-O shots.
Shin: the spinner drinks
Hei: the spinner picks someone else to drink
Gimel: everyone but the spinner drinks
Nun: everyone drinks!
