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Musician Elton John performs "Rocket Man" during his Glastonbury Festival show, June 25, 2023. Credit: Raph_PH via Wikimedia Commons.

Tradition or tragedy?

Jewish World
By
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
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I am writing these lines from the United States, where I am nearing the end of my latest speaking tour. I’ve been to New York, Toronto, Detroit, Philadelphia, and now Miami. Coming from South Africa,...
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Ten Israeli couples with a member serving in the Israel Defense Forces taking part in a mass wedding ceremony part of Chabad of Savyon’s “Marrying the Warriors,” in Tel Aviv Port, March 5, 2024. Photo by Chaim Goldberg/Flash90.

Marriage tips from Jacob?

Jewish World
By
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
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They say that the definition of a successful man is one who can earn more than his wife can spend. And the definition of a successful woman is one who can find such a...
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On several recent flights in the United States, I was rather surprised, and somewhat bemused, to see full-page ads in the airline magazines for a matchmaking service. In fact, there was more than one such service being advertised. Who would believe that in the sophisticated 21st-century, old Yente—the matchmaker from “Fiddler on the Roof”—is being resurrected? “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch.” Oh, the ad was very slick and professional, but essentially, it was Yente all over again. Frankly, I must admit to feeling gratified seeing that the old shidduch system is alive and well in modern, corporate America. For decades, cultured Jews in the United States and elsewhere looked down upon the shidduch system still practiced in the religious community. It was considered archaic and outdated in the new age where everyone was marrying for love. It was beneath these moderns to rely on a shadchan, a “matchmaker,” to find one’s partner in life. But when you think about it, how many people find their marriage partners completely on their own? Most are introduced by a friend, given a telephone number or invited to a party where the host’s express intention is to introduce a certain man and a woman to each other. It’s probably the exception where two people happen to meet on their own and go on to marry each other, unless they were high school sweethearts who kept up the relationship. If a mutual friend who knows both parties thinks it’s a good match, it stands a far better chance of success than a random meeting at a bar, where one’s judgment is often blurred by the beer. How many people have met their bashert online on the many dating services available today? I don’t know the number, but there are a great many who have. It may be online, but it’s basically a shidduch service. I think there was always a misunderstanding of the shidduch system by people on the outside. Many thought that it was the parents choosing a match for their son or daughter, and the couple themselves had no choice in the matter. Not true! A matchmaker, shadchan, only makes a suggestion. If the couple agrees to meet, there is no coercion to marry. Millions of young religious men and women have gone on one or two dates and decided it’s not for them. End of story. Back to the drawing board until the right person comes up. How different is that from the dating sites or the socialite shadchan-like advertising in the airline magazine? Even in the religious community, parents and mentors always advise young people that there must be chemistry between a couple before they should commit to marriage. When comparing his and her résumés and profiles the union may appear great on paper, but the human element must never be compromised. The couple themselves must feel attracted to one another. As a rule, rabbis or rebbetzins who are asked for advice by indecisive, tentative men and women will always ask if there is an attraction, a vibe, a good feeling between the parties. There’s a lot to be said for the shidduch system, even with its inherent problems, which it does have. Still, the numbers don’t lie, and generations of happy, content, loving families speak for themselves. Yes, in the observant community parents are usually involved in helping their children decide who to date. But that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Parental guidance can be very helpful. Too often, I’ve been asked to counsel families where a son or daughter wanted to marry someone the parents felt was inappropriate. I can confirm that in cases where the young person defied their parents’ objections to the union, the marriage usually didn’t last. Infatuation often gets in the way of logical reasoning. While it is their decision alone, young people would be well advised to listen very carefully to their parents’ opinions and loving advice. This week’s Torah portion, Chaye Sarah, records the very first shidduch in the Bible. Abraham dispatches his trusted servant, Eliezer, to Abraham’s hometown with the singular mission of finding a wife for his son, Isaac. Eliezer meets young Rebecca at the well ... and the rest is history. She is beautiful, exceptionally kind and generous, and she is from the same family as Abraham, his great-niece, in fact. The shidduch is made, and Isaac and Rebecca marry. This match was clearly ordained by heaven, and there wasn’t much dating before it came to pass. But ever since Eliezer—the first shadchan in history—successfully concluded the deal, the shidduch system has served us well. So whether it’s from an ad in a magazine, an online dating service or your local Yente, don’t be shy to look for your bashert through the agency of an intermediary. May all our single men and women who are looking in earnest find their own bashert ASAP.

The very first ‘shidduch’

Jewish World
By
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
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0
On several recent flights in the United States, I was rather surprised, and somewhat bemused, to see full-page ads in the airline magazines for a matchmaking service. In fact, there was more than one...
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Letters in the Torah. Credit: Cottonbro studio/Pexels.

The secret of Jewish survival

Op-Eds
By
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
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We are the wandering Jews. Sometimes, I am also a wondering Jew. I wonder how we have survived as a people with the very same values and traditions that have been our legacy for...
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An open Torah scroll. Source: Pixabay.

Small is great

Jewish World
By
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
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Ted Turner is reputed to have said, "If only I had a little humility, I'd be perfect." Those who knew him believed he was serious. Another great man said something similar: “If there’s one thing...
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Jewish immortality

Op-Eds
By
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
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One of the final stops on our shul’s tour of Israel, which ended this week, was the Chain of Generations exhibition at the Western Wall Tunnels. Like all the museums we visited, it was...
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Minority rules

Op-Eds
By
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
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In democracies as well as in Jewish law, the majority rules. A beit din (“rabbinical court”) must always consist of an odd number of judges, lest there be a hung jury. But the fact is, sometimes the...
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